Sequels, Remakes and Restraining Orders

Sequels, Remakes and Restraining Orders

I feel that I’ve lost some of my pretentious media graduate credibility, thanks to only going to see four movies last year. So for my own reminder, and motivation, I’ve compiled a list of movies for the next year which for one reason or another have roused my interests or concerns. And since I'm off to see the first one in a few hours, the need to get this out was pressing. So without further ado, go 2016!

Deadpool

12th February

I was a little bit thrown off with this movie. You see, part of my initial excitement was based around the fact I mistakenly believe this to be part of the MCU, which I now realise is wrong. I don’t really know what to think now. Believing that it was the next stage of the MCU meant that I could guarantee a certain level of quality to this movie. Without it, I have a character I don’t really know much about, and thus I don’t feel the same kind of hype that most comic book fans do. The trailer also seems a bit too pleased with itself to be here - take it easy guys. You still have to impress me before I declare my undying love.

Gods of Egypt

26th February

Remember back in 2012 when I wished that fanfiction was a more mainstream topic, and the world gave us 50 Shades of Grey just to annoy me? Well Hollywood is having a go too now, with my favourite period of history. Since I’ve already resigned myself to not finding any respect, historical accuracy, or faithful interpretations of my favourite pantheon of deities, I’m going to watch it for the same reason I would go watch a friend who’s copiously drunk - because they are probably going to need rushing to A&E, where the nurses will curiously question me on why they raided the costumes from the movie 300.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny

26th February

So many of my favourite films are getting the sequel treatment this year. To say that I am apprehensive about this is like saying that The Simpsons is getting a little bit tired. Good sequels use the first story as a jumping off point to explore a fresh new angle. A bad sequel rehashes the same story and expects lightning to hit our wallets twice. Fortunately this sequel doesn’t seem to be wallowing in the original story, but only because it doesn’t seem to have much of a story at all, if the trailer is anything to go on. If this is an accurate representation of the true content of the film, then 90% of it will be improbably performed martial arts, and the other 10% will be a character from the last film giving ominous warnings. It’s not a good sign when the story isn’t deemed important enough to tease the audience with. The story is the lifeblood of a movie. Without it you’ve just got white teeth and a fancy haircut.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice

25th March

Call me uncultured if you will, but I’m just not as excited about this film as every other nerd on the planet seems to be. Part of it might be me being late to the DC party, having never read the comics, seen the cartoons, or watched any of the early Batman movies - the superhero nerd equivalent of showing up to the wedding just as the desserts were being taken away and the amount of alcohol begins to outweigh the amount of common sense. Man of Steel got a resounding ‘eh’ from me, and several hours worth of bile from my DC fanboy fiance. Batman vs Superman is not promising me anything new or better. It’s promising me lots of fights in dark, gritty, rainy alleys, and an appearance by Wonder Woman, which I will bet anything is solely there to titillate the fanboys.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

25th March

Oh great. Another of my top 10 favourite movies getting the sequel treatment this year. I should probably lock up the rest of them and start filing restraining orders. Okay, I’ll stop dispensing hate. I did get rather excited about this trailer initially, because it actually appeared to have a new story bouncing off from where the last one left off. Sure there is another wedding, but there seems to be a bit of deconstruction going on with the nature of tradition and family. If it’s handled well, it could be great. If it’s handled badly...I suppose I can put some Windex on it and laugh.

The Jungle Book

15th April

Christ on a bike, original thought really is at a premium in Disney right now. Not content to do anything as daring as think of new ideas, they’re instead just rebooting all their old animated movies into live action versions. But The Jungle Book already had a live action remake back in 1994, so either some terrible pandemic has robbed Disney of their memories as well as their creativity, or they quite simply wanted to add another yacht to their fleet. What can I say? They’re redoing the animated movie, same story, same characters, but with real animals and people. At best it will be just as good as the first one. At worst, it’ll ruin one of our childhood favourites. The only point at which I will not regret parting with my money at the cinema will be if they bring some new innovation in, which adds something to the experience. But as I said, original thought is expensive in Disney right now, and they really want that extra yacht to build up their naval fleet.

Captain America: Civil War

6th May

Ah good, more MCU to feed straight into my veins, and a chance for me to scream “Boys! You two kiss and be friends again!” outside of a yaoi panel. Having been quietly tipped off by a friend about what goes down in the comic book civil war, part of me is apprehensive that my heart may be broken at the end of this movie, but since Marvel is becoming a kitemark of quality these days, I will have had a wonderful rollercoaster regardless.

X-Men: Apocalypse

27th May

Let’s get one thing straight - retconning fifteen years of movies is not cool. I don’t care if it’s canon! Fans of the films just leave with a bitter taste in their mouth, feeling that they’ve just wasted fifteen years of emotional investment. So why, why would you continue the series after this? You’ve wiped the slate clean - start over again fresh! Don’t try to pull something out of the leftover chalk marks! I’ve been told that this movie addresses a big thing that comes from the X-Men comic books, but now that I know that the writers aren’t afraid to just wave their hand and dismiss everything they’ve done before, I just can’t get invested in this movie. There’s no enjoyment when you are aware that fifteen years from now, another character may get sent back in time, and render this experience meaningless.

Finding Dory

17th June

Oh God, are we not done squealing our bollocks off yet?

Independence Day: Resurgence

24th June

Obviously not.

The BFG

1st July

Anyone eavesdropping on my room late last year probably experienced a ringing in their ears when I saw the trailer for this. Finally, a movie I can get genuinely excited about, and with that, comes a certain amount of trepidation. This book and the 1989 animated film were favourites of mine, and thus there is a lot of pressure riding on this film not to screw up a staple of my childhood. I feel a little source of comfort when I remember that Steven Spielberg is directing, and he has a reasonable history of good films (yes I hear you all muttering Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - shut up! You’re not helping!)

The Legend of Tarzan

1st July

Oh sod off...see comments on The Jungle Book and replace the word ‘Disney’ with ‘Warner Bros’.

Suicide Squad

5th August

Any movie where you are supposed to root for the bad guys instantly gets a thumbs up from me. I like stories that celebrate madness. And I like trailers with creepy songs. Once again, comic book nerds probably have a better idea of what to expect than I do. I’m expecting two odd hours of watching bad guys tear up a city and slag off Batman. I don’t think I’ll be disappointed, but I’ve been wrong before, so I'm going to approach this one like it's a lit firework who's fuse may or may not have gone out - it could explode into colour and life, or burp and fizzle on the damp grass.

Pete’s Dragon

12th August

Movies that are part animation and part real life have a very special charm about them that you just don’t get from anything else - I think it’s the fact that because they are part cartoon, they just don’t take themselves that seriously. That’s probably why Space Jam was a childhood favourite of mine, and why Who Framed Roger Rabbit is sitting comfortably in my top 10 favourite movies list. Unfortunately most movies these days do take themselves seriously, because they can’t afford to do so otherwise, and something often gets lost in that. Call me judgmental, but I just don’t think this movie will recover and revive the same smile that the original produced.

Underworld: Next Generation

14th October

I try to be nice. But really Underworld, you’ve massively overstayed your welcome now. The time has come to tie all the plot points together, release this story into the wind, and go pick up a new hobby.

Doctor Strange

4th November

Knowledge is non existent, but this is another for the MCU, so expectations are good.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

18th November

Well I asked for something different and obviously someone was listening. Rather than wallow in the original Harry Potter stories, somebody seems to have gone out of their way to do something new and fun with this world, which I always approve of. I’m dubious of how many magical beasts we can really fit into one movie, and how much attention we can actually pay on them without feeling that we’ve been short changed. Providing that this is handled properly and not blatantly misused, we should be in for a good film.

Assassins Creed

21st December

My sources of video game knowledge report that someone shot the Ass Creed games in the knees after the second one, and though there was some recovery during Black Flag, that wound is continuing to inhibit it’s ability to walk properly. Some ways that this movie will be an improvement on the games include, not forcing us all to build and design our own villas, allowing us to meet some interesting normal people on the street rather than bumping into every famous person in this period of history like we’re trying to check off a celebrity bingo list, and oh yeah - allowing us to actually murder somebody!